Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Thinking thinking...Remember the NUSWS yahoogroups incident? Some of us alumnus were 'selectively' removed from the members list. Happened a few months ago, but I'm still not added back. I was told by a friend that the comm said that if we want to be added back, we have to email the moderator to tell them to do so.
Talked to a NIE colleague about this incident. Not purposely mentioned. Was talking about band and this thing just popped up. I've been saying that I dun wan to bother anymore and I can't be bother. But I still feel bitter about this thing even up to now. I always say I'm a forgetful person - I forgive and forget easily. But he said that if I still feel bitter about, it simply means that I've not forgotten and neither have I forgiven.
Maybe I'm not forgetful after all. By lying to myself that I forgive and forget, I comfort myself temporarily to escape the disappointment and moment of anger.
I still remember that my Primary 2 English teacher slapped me and only me when a few of us were talking during her lesson. I still remember her face AND her name.
I remember that the teacher in charge of the calligraphy club in JC told me when I left the school that my masterpieces would be returned to me after the exhibition in the following year. I was the logistic officer. My friend was clever. She took back everything before she left the school. I trusted my teacher and left my works in the store with all others.
After the exhibition, my teacher wanted me to pay for the touching up fees of my works that were exhibited if I want to bring them home. She even refused to let me take back my works that were not on the exhibition. I was told by the juniors that she didn't want alumnus' works in the exhibition as it would show that the club lacked talents and needed to depend on the works of the alumnus which were left behind after graduation. I was the alumni who had the most works in the exhibition. I could safely say that out of everyone, I had the most works put up. Main reason was I wrote 隶书 and almost everyone else wrote 楷书. My calligraphy teacher wanted a variety. So a lot of my works were put up. But I had to BUY my masterpieces back. She said that I have not contribute much and that was the least I could do for the club.
WHAT!! She said I've NOT contributed much. She has no idea at all how much effort I've put in for this club and how much time and brain cells I've spent on the logistic matters. Where is she when I was running around settling all the problems big and small for her? Sitting comfortably in her office?
Many times, things that I did were unknown. I do not put myself in the limelight. I'll do thing quietly in the background, and wish and hope that someday, someone would recognize my effort. But most of the times, they think someone else did it. Nobody knows I did it.
I'm not a person who gives everything without expecting anything in return. I'm no charity organization. Not a noble person as many friends see me as. Maybe not even a promising housewife or a future good wife as many have said I am. What I wanted all this while and why I've been doing so much things is that I want acknowledgement. I wanted praises.
I may not do things in front of you and expect you to praise me. I might do things quietly and expect you to find out what I've done and then praise me for the good job done.
All this while, what I need is security. I needed recognition. A warranty card that would never expire, a position in my friends' life that will never be replaced. That's why I'm always helping and doing a lot of things in front of my friends. I'm not that helpful at home.
U can say that I'm an attention seeker. I say that I'm not. I need attention. But I do not seek it. Complicated? I'm confused sometimes too. I enjoyed the attention, the recognition and the praises. But I become more depressed when I started to think about the truthfulness of the praises. Were they sincere? Were they truthful? Or were they merely passing remarks? Were they laughing behind me? Did the remarks mean something sarcastic?
Friends say I think too much. They say I complicate things that are simple. My family say I don't think enough. They say that I do not think further or deeper. What on earth is wrong with me?
Strong I may look. Fierce I may seem. I'm still sensitive and fragile. Sensitivity is something about me that I've not change since young. I feel uncomfortable when my friends are talking about something I don't know. I feel that they are talking about me. I feel left out.
Should I continue looking strong? Is this the reason why I've not been in any relationships before? I do not look like someone who needed protection from a guy? What exactly is my real identity? Everyone has a mask. Am I wearing a mask now? Or do I need to put on my mask?
:D 11/09/2004 10:25:00 AM
Monday, November 08, 2004
Thanks everyone for the great funIt's been quite some time since I enjoyed myself that much. NIE has been tiring and time consuming. My times of leisure were only on computer games and meal gatherings with the NUS buddies.
Monday at Little India. I enjoyed the entire day there. But I did not enjoy the food as I thought I would. The poori and the cracker (dunno wat name) was nice. But the curry and other side dishes were not to my liking. Maybe because it's my first time. Everything tastes weird. The girls say I look funny... they found it interesting to look at the way I eat and fidle abt with the food. But from the bottom of my heart, I enjoyed myself there. I did my first every henna at the bazaar there and bought the first every deepavali cards for Deepa and Nootan (they chose it themselves). It's so nice to have friends from so many races. Gives me chances to buck up on my English communication skills too.
Frankly... It's weird. I'm a Chinese speaking person. Before I entered NIE, 99% of my friends were Chinese. I spoke Mandarin 90% of the time. English was difficult. I cant express myself well. Even if I'm thinking in English... my thinking is in Chinese... haha
Now, it's English for almost 100% of the time. Not that I don't like it. I still trying tat's all. If u all realise, I often get tongue-tied. Have long pauses. My communication is slow in English. What if I rattle off in Mandarin during praticum when the supervisor is observing???
Yesterday was even more exciting. Apart from the more than 50% of the food not finished, and we don't have enough money to pay for the curry chicken. Everything else was great. The little drizzle came at the right time, all of us went into the pavilion and we played the passing parcel game. Well, the swimming pool is forever very tempting... Halfway through, the guys started throwing and dragging people into the pool. Some smart people left so quietly that we didn't even know until we all sat down again (and tat was like half an hour later).
Few hid behind the bbq pit. I kept quiet, remained on my seat hoping that no one will notice I existed. But to play safe, few of us left our phone on the table. We don't want our phone to go into the pool too. Needless to say, I was eventually thrown in too. Actually I was dragged to the pool and then told to jump in myself.
And then we were scolded by the security guard. Told to get out immediately. This came at the right time, allowed us to continue with the passing parcel game again. After the guard left, the pool throwing activity started again. On and off, we managed to finish the game.
Pack up time, obviously guys are still playing while girls are packing. The throw and drag thing is still on-going. All of us are already wet and shivering with cold. It's just the process of throwing and dragging that they enjoyed. I entered the pool the second time, with a guy dragging me by the neck, almost choking me, and giving everyone a shock. I was lucky. Or should I say he was lucky. The way he dropped me in, I could have hit my head against the wall of the pool.
I think the guys are also worried when they throw the gals into the pool. They're afraid we'll get angry. haha... Tat's the thing lah... Guys are the most afraid of tears and anger of girls. But well, everything ended well. No one was hurt. And we all had fun. I guess no one would believe it if we say we are from NIE and are future teachers and principals.
Why worry? Everyone has a child at heart. I believe that a person is only his or her true self in times of play. It's only this time that you go all out to enjoy and do not purposely hide or show anything. I like myself when I'm playing. Do you?
:D 11/08/2004 08:45:00 AM
