little eagle
Female, age unknown, loves BLUE
Plays piano, played bass clarinet
in school band
Loves Snoopy, Chip & Dale,
Bugs Bunny, Seven Dwarfs,
Forever Friends Bear,
Doggies and Piggies
Eats when stressed.
Loves chocolates and icecream
Gets paranoid easily.
Prone to clumsiness and getting
frantic
1. Go Tasmania
2. Go New Zealand
3. Have a dog
4. Learn driving (eventually)
5. Save more money (on-going)
6. Be Healthy (trying very hard)
7. Find someone and have a family
(trying :D)
♥HOLIDAY PLANS
1. Malacca with J21
2. Taipei!
3. Holiday lessons for Sec 5
4. Long overdue Clarinets outing!
Thinking thinking... Remember the NUSWS yahoogroups incident? Some of us alumnus were 'selectively' removed from the members list. Happened a few months ago, but I'm still not added back. I was told by a friend that the comm said that if we want to be added back, we have to email the moderator to tell them to do so.
Talked to a NIE colleague about this incident. Not purposely mentioned. Was talking about band and this thing just popped up. I've been saying that I dun wan to bother anymore and I can't be bother. But I still feel bitter about this thing even up to now. I always say I'm a forgetful person - I forgive and forget easily. But he said that if I still feel bitter about, it simply means that I've not forgotten and neither have I forgiven.
Maybe I'm not forgetful after all. By lying to myself that I forgive and forget, I comfort myself temporarily to escape the disappointment and moment of anger.
I still remember that my Primary 2 English teacher slapped me and only me when a few of us were talking during her lesson. I still remember her face AND her name.
I remember that the teacher in charge of the calligraphy club in JC told me when I left the school that my masterpieces would be returned to me after the exhibition in the following year. I was the logistic officer. My friend was clever. She took back everything before she left the school. I trusted my teacher and left my works in the store with all others.
After the exhibition, my teacher wanted me to pay for the touching up fees of my works that were exhibited if I want to bring them home. She even refused to let me take back my works that were not on the exhibition. I was told by the juniors that she didn't want alumnus' works in the exhibition as it would show that the club lacked talents and needed to depend on the works of the alumnus which were left behind after graduation. I was the alumni who had the most works in the exhibition. I could safely say that out of everyone, I had the most works put up. Main reason was I wrote 隶书 and almost everyone else wrote 楷书. My calligraphy teacher wanted a variety. So a lot of my works were put up. But I had to BUY my masterpieces back. She said that I have not contribute much and that was the least I could do for the club.
WHAT!! She said I've NOT contributed much. She has no idea at all how much effort I've put in for this club and how much time and brain cells I've spent on the logistic matters. Where is she when I was running around settling all the problems big and small for her? Sitting comfortably in her office?
Many times, things that I did were unknown. I do not put myself in the limelight. I'll do thing quietly in the background, and wish and hope that someday, someone would recognize my effort. But most of the times, they think someone else did it. Nobody knows I did it.
I'm not a person who gives everything without expecting anything in return. I'm no charity organization. Not a noble person as many friends see me as. Maybe not even a promising housewife or a future good wife as many have said I am. What I wanted all this while and why I've been doing so much things is that I want acknowledgement. I wanted praises.
I may not do things in front of you and expect you to praise me. I might do things quietly and expect you to find out what I've done and then praise me for the good job done.
All this while, what I need is security. I needed recognition. A warranty card that would never expire, a position in my friends' life that will never be replaced. That's why I'm always helping and doing a lot of things in front of my friends. I'm not that helpful at home.
U can say that I'm an attention seeker. I say that I'm not. I need attention. But I do not seek it. Complicated? I'm confused sometimes too. I enjoyed the attention, the recognition and the praises. But I become more depressed when I started to think about the truthfulness of the praises. Were they sincere? Were they truthful? Or were they merely passing remarks? Were they laughing behind me? Did the remarks mean something sarcastic?
Friends say I think too much. They say I complicate things that are simple. My family say I don't think enough. They say that I do not think further or deeper. What on earth is wrong with me?
Strong I may look. Fierce I may seem. I'm still sensitive and fragile. Sensitivity is something about me that I've not change since young. I feel uncomfortable when my friends are talking about something I don't know. I feel that they are talking about me. I feel left out.
Should I continue looking strong? Is this the reason why I've not been in any relationships before? I do not look like someone who needed protection from a guy? What exactly is my real identity? Everyone has a mask. Am I wearing a mask now? Or do I need to put on my mask?
